The S&W 500 Magnum

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The Smith & Wesson Magnum Model 500 is the biggest, heaviest, most badass revolver ever created.  Merely pointing it at someone is enough to make them piss themselves.  Actually shooting it might break your fucking wrist, but you can rest assured that whoever or whatever you hit is going to go down like a sack of lead bricks dropped in a swimming pool filled with Jell-O.

First off, the revolver is the most badass of all pistols.  Sure, automatics hold more bullets and can be more reliable, but nothing exudes toughness like a big honking revolver.  As far as I'm concerned, if it was good enough for cowboy gunslingers and good enough for Clint Eastwood then it's good enough for anybody.  This beast is 15" long and weighs six pounds when EMPTY, so when you inevitably run out bullets you can easily just bludgeon any surviving bad guys to death with it.  It holds five of the biggest bullets ever created for a pistol, the behemoth S&W .500 Magnum round, which is about eight inches long, weighs ten pounds and has the stopping power of a Civil War-era smoothbore cannon.  It's the fucking King Kong of bullets.  Check it out when compared some of those other pussy rounds out there:

 
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The .500 round makes the second manliest of all bullets, the .44 Magnum, round look like a flaccid penis. 

 
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You can also tell it's a badass gun because it has a fucking EXHAUST PORT on the barrel.

 
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The second gun shown above is Dirty Harry's .44 Magnum revolver, the biggest most badass gun ever made until now.  Next to the Model 500 it looks like a cross between a pellet gun and those dainty revolvers that chicks hide in their garters.

 

Now when Matt first told me about this he was like, "what the fuck would anyone need this gun for?"  At first I was clueless.  Aside from killing buffalo, I wasn't sure what do do with it.  I did however give it some though and come up with the following five things you can use this gun for (in addition to killing criminal scumbags of course):

  1. Killing African elephants that break into your home and try to steal your chips.

  2. Putting it down your pants and compensating not only for your own penis but for every penis within a twenty-five mile radius.

  3. Manually changing the channels on the TV from across the room if you lose the remote control.

  4. Industrial-grade paperweight or doorstop.

  5. Put AA-size batteries in the gigantic cylinders and always have batteries on-hand.

So not only is it useful around the house and as intimidating as a viking helmet, but it also receives high marks in the accuracy and usability category as well.  Most gun mags out there are like, "considering that this thing weighs the same as a refrigerator full of midgets it's remarkably easy to use and creates quarter-sized holes in anything you point it at!"

And what more could you want from a handgun?