The Badass of the Week.

-- I Go to Jury Duty --
Update 1 April 2005 by Amazing Ben

Sadly, I was forced to perform my civic duty by going to jury duty downtown last week.  In the infinite boredom brought on by the neverending process of the system, I managed to write down a couple pages of notes from my adventures in the Jury Pool which I intend to share with you this week.  So here we go with my take on one day with the system.

Jury Duty!

  • I arrived at the courthouse at about 8:27am, happy that I had beaten the 8:30 deadline and probably wouldn't be held in contempt of court and sentenced to thirty years in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison or whatever.  Speaking of pounding ass though, they did make me take my belt off at the security checkpoint because I kept setting the metal detector off, and then they still ended up giving me the wand and the full body cavity search.  A security agent actually took the damned lid off of my Dunkin Donuts coffee because obviously I looked like the type of dude who would smuggle an Anthrax-laced coffee cup into a courtroom and throw it on a judge while screaming, "Eat burned coffee, Judge Bitch!" and vomiting contaminated blood on the district attorney.  Man, this day is starting out excellently.  I'm just waiting for my arch-nemesis Thrasher to pop out from behind some bushes somewhere and kick me in the sack.  At least the brain-dead fools at the Dunkin by my house managed to stave off their crippling incompetence long enough to make me a fucking cup of coffee that wasn't burned worse than a charcoal briquette on the surface of the sun.  So I think that's some kind of first or something.

  • The bitch on the stairs in front of me is moving slower than Terri Schiavo and Stephen Hawking in an underwater three-legged race and the stairwell is so narrow that I can't get around her.  Here's a tip assface:  If you are too fucking old and decrepit to go up a narrow staircase without crawling on all fours, you should probably take the elevator or buy some bionic legs.  Or just stay home, suck it up and accept the fact that you're too old to be a contributing member of society in any capacity that requires you to do something other than sit on your ass, crap yourself and watch Wheel of Fortune.  The thing is, I know that if I clubbed her in the back of the head with my shoe she'd go down like a Taiwanese streetwalker but I'm too tired and lazy to want to try and climb over her lifeless corpse.  So yet another person deserving of my wrath is spared by my incomparable laziness.

  • At the top of the stairs is a throng of humanity stretching down the entire length of the courthouse hallway.  Judging by the looks of these idiots I can make a pretty safe assumption that I need to be at the end of this line.  I take my place in the back and begin the slow office zombie-like shuffle towards the unseen Jury Pool door that presumably lies somewhere in this building.  For all I know, I could be standing in the "Get eaten by a crocodile" line or something.

  • I think that I would be super King Kong Omega pissed if I was arrested and had the fucking total dregs of society determining my fate.  That's totally what you get too, because anyone with any modicum of intelligence or professional clout is capable of dodging their civic duties and leaving this crap to the unwashed masses.  They should just make "juror" a profession or something and pay people to do it.  That would alleviate unemployment, make things way less of a hassle for the everyday citizen and you wouldn't have to worry about incompetent middle school rejects determining what you're going to do with the next thirty years of your life.

  • I've had "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine stuck in my head ever since I got in line.  Bringing my iPod was a mistake.

  • If the guy in line infront of me cracks his damn neck one more time I'm going to jam my pen into his throat.  Probably not a wise move in a crowded courtroom, but I'll do it.  Can you see that I am serious?

  • Some bitch just fucking sneezed on me.  I seriously fucking felt wet spray on my arm when she was shooting brain particles out through her nose in my general direction.  Cover your damn mouth next time or I'll cover it for you with a pair of knuckle sandwiches.  God I hope she's reading my notes over my shoulder.  I'll freaking stab her head off.  With my dick.

  • I finally got the front of the line and realized I forgot to bring my juror slip from home, so they made me sift through about fifty pages of names that look like they were printed out on a Dot Matrix printer by techno-phobic monkeys in the Dark Ages.  I guess they were all out of stone tablets and chisels, so they were stuck using the hamster-on-a-wheel-powered Apple IIc or something.  They'll blow ten billion dollars on a Blackhawk helicopter with faulty collision detection systems without thinking twice but they can't cough up the six hundred bucks for a new PC for their courthouse.  I fucking hate the government.

  • I think this update is going to suck.  However, I've already taken three pages of notes, so there's no turning back now.

  • I finally got into the jury pool room and picked a seat in the very back.  Hopefully nobody will sit next to me, because I'm a total misanthrope and these chairs are very close together.  Plus, in case you're not really down with the whole "context clues" thing, I'm in a pretty shitty mood.  If some undesirable sits next to me there's really no telling what I might do.  My guess is that I'll probably just sit there and start sweating.

  • Some dude is walking around the jury pool in a white undershirt and jeans.  I'm glad he decided to dress up for the occasion.  Here's some info for all you redneck trailer trash yokels out there:  Ditching the wife-beater and covering your shoulders with fabric is not the same thing as dressing up.  This just makes me mad that I wore a tie today.

  • Oh good, someone brought their fucking kid to jury duty with them.  I don't really have a problem with kids per se, I just think that if you're going to take your small child into a public place you should put a damn muzzle on it and lug it around in an airtight container.  I didn't procreate because the sound of children laughing or screaming grates on my very soul, so you should be considerate of the fact that I don't give a flying fuck about your child nor do I have any compassion or patience for you or it.  So as long as I don't see, smell or hear your kid, I won't have to elbow you in the kidneys.

  • It didn't take long before people sat next to me.  The guy on my left it a big dude with a bushy handlebar molester mustache, matching soul patch and goatee and big honkin' reflective Top Gun aviator glasses.  He is very greasy and reading Golf Digest when he should be reading How Not to Look Like a Homeless Pedophile.  The guy on my right is a skinny little bitch in a floor length leather coat who looks like he probably re-enacts scenes from The Matrix in his parent's basement with a bunch of stolen department store mannequins.  He also doesn't seem to notice that his pants are beeping.  I hate this place.

  • I should write an update about the most badass military units from history.  I'd have to include the Roman Legions, the Greek Phalanx, Ninjas, Pirates, the SAS, Mongols, Shaolin Monks, Vikings, Samurai, the Knights Templar and the SS Panzer Divisions.  That would be a kickass update.  Way better than the one I'm working on.

  • They've put on a little video which is basically Jury Trials for Fucking Incompetent Dolts Who Have Been Living Under a Rock Their Whole Lives.  You know what?  If you're too fucking stupid or uninformed to know what "opening arguments" are, you probably shouldn't be tasked with determining the fate of your fellow citizens or doing anything other than desperately trying to eat three meals a day without choking to death or writing for the Boston Herald.  As a humorous aside though, the chief justice of the Massachusetts Supreme Court has a lispy accent that makes her sound like the bishop from The Princess Bride.  I was biting my tongue not to laugh at the segment where she was talking about how "Juwy twials ah the cornerstone of a fwee countwee".

  • Sadly, there's only like one hot chick in the entire two hundred person Jury Pool.  That's Massachusetts for you though.  It has to be one of the ugliest states in the union.  I don't even think that this chick is really even that hot... she's what my wife and I have termed "Hot for Boston", meaning that if she were in any other setting she would be completely overlooked.  Compared to the competition though, she's the pick of the litter.  She's like a broccoli, spinach and cheese quiche in the land of liver and onions.  Plus she has a huge rack.  I mean really huge.

  • I hope they don't pick me for trial so I can spend the rest of the afternoon playing Knights of the Old Republic.  I think that qualifies me for the dubious distinction of Biggest Nerd Ever, but I don't give a damn.  Oh Bastila, you will be mine one day!

  • After the video, we got an hour break to wander the halls of the courthouse and mob the solitary snack bar like a swarm of hungry zombies at a crowded heavy metal concert.  I wish I'd brought my Game Boy.  Sure, Dawn of Souls is getting a little played-out, but it sure beats staring blankly at a wall and trying to guess the number of jurors who have probably already been to this courthouse as defendants.

  • According to the Suffolk County Courthouse's second floor bathroom, "Det. Sgt. Bob Harrington Sucks Cock".

  • Bringing my iPod was a mistake.  Listening to the MIDI recreations of the Mega Man 2 soundtrack always gets me wicked pumped up, and now I've got to sit here for another half hour and do nothing.

  • The three best (read: worst) songs you've never heard are as follows:  Yo, This Be the Rap Song by Dret;  Coyotes Minus Susan by Death by Willard;  I Stole Your Daddy's Time Machine by The Satanic Puppeteer Orchestra.

  • Our "one hour break" lasted from 9:30 to noon, and then they finally apologized to everyone and let us all go home.  That was the most boring four hours of my life.  I'm sure you're glad I related it to you.

Well, that was my jury experience.  I'm sorry it was so boring, but as long as I have to suffer, everybody does.  Just remember that the next time you're supposed to report to jury duty DON'T DO IT.  It sucks the biggest suck that ever sucked.


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