Joan of Arc

Back in the 1420's, France was in deep shit.  France and England were in the middle of the Hundred Years' War, and despite the fact that the War began in the year 1337 the "1337" French knights were getting the long unattractive end of the assbeating stick shoved up their rectums by badass Brit motherfuckers like Edward the Black Prince and John Talbot.  Rebellious provinces, succession disputes, British "scorched earth" tactics and a little thing called The Black Death didn't really help things a whole lot either.  However, just when things couldn't have looked bleaker for the struggling Frenchies, salvation came in the most unlikely form - that of a sixteen year-old illiterate farmgirl named Jeanne d'Arc.

Joan was a badass warrior babe who stomped crotches across Paris in her short but retardedly successful career as a military commander and a Knight of France, though I feel as though I should go ahead right now and tell you that she was definitely NOT the sort of oversexed licentious warrior babe you see in movies and video games that wears next to nothing in terms of clothing and gives you a boner because OH YEAH she's also a fucking pure-as-the-driven Catholic Saint you goddamned perverts.  She was a tough, pious, god-fearing crusader who wouldn't even hesitate to bash you over the head with a rusty pipe if you stood between her and the liberation of her homeland from foreign aggression.

One day she was just walking around her farm thinking about how badly the French were getting their balls whipped when all of a sudden the Patron Saint of Badassitude St. Michael came flying down from Heaven and was all like, "Yo you need to get a sword and start kicking asses."  She responded, "dude tell me about it but what the fuck do you want me to do?".  Michael taught her a super-secret gang sign, told her to go flash it to Prince Charles VII, and then said she should demand to be put in charge of the army.  Since she was eager to start hacking up enemy soldiers (and certainly wasn't one to try and fuck with God's Will) Joan jumped on a horse and rode off on her quest to rock some British faces.  She showed up at Charles' pad, flashed the sign, gave him a secret handshake and told him, "Hey God said you should give me control of your armies and let me lay waste to these invading British cockmasters who are out there jacking our shit up".  Charles had a tough time arguing with this, so he set her up with a horse, a suit of armor and a battle standard and sent her off to wreak havoc.

Now at this point the major French stronghold of Orleans had been under siege Stephen Segal-style by the Brits for several months and was in danger of capitulating at any time.  The troops were demoralized, supplies were low, and the British soldiers were being real douchebags about the whole thing.  Joan showed up and immediately decided she was going to lead her troops in full-scale balls-out assaults against the enemy camps and forts that surrounded the town.  Now the guys who were in charge of the French forces at Orleans weren't really down with being ordered around by a teenage chick with no combat experience, but when they tried to give her shit she just bitch-slapped them with a ten pound steel gauntlet, told them to "grow a pair", kicked them into a river and prepared the attack anyways.  She went to the front lines, gave a speech so inspiring it would have made William Wallace cry tears of blood, and then send her men off to whomp faces.  The French started kicking ass all over the place, taking fortification after fortification, crushing the unprepared English armies, and in just eight days the siege had been lifted and the British defenses had been crushed.

Joan didn't stop there though.  She had already won the respect of her generals and her men, and she pressed the attack, tearing ass through the French countryside Blitzkrieg-style in 1429 karate chopping the British commanders up and down the Loire River Valley.  The campaign culminated in the Battle of Patay, when 1,500 french heavy knights obliterated a force of 5,000 British archers and footsoldiers while only losing 100 of their own.  This was the first major French land victory in the war, and opened the way for Joan's men to capture the city of Reims and coronate Charles VII the official King of France.