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Snake Eyes
04.27.2007 74938112321

For as often as I profess my undying love for flying, stabbing, face-busting, peach-stealing, scrotum-crushing badass ninjas, it's hard to believe that I've never actually featured one as my Badass of the Week.  Sure, the clandestine nature of their profession sort of precludes them from receiving any sort of individual accolades, but that's hardly an excuse.

As far as badass ninjas go, you could certainly do a lot worse than Snake Eyes, resident ninja of the ass-beating, Commie-punching, never-forgettin', all-American counter-terrorist unit GI Joe, an organization dedicated to searching every corner of the Earth and scouring the planet of anyone and anything that doesn't own a dog, eat apple pie, and urinate red, white, and/or blue.  Not only is Snake Eyes an eightieth-degree black belt grandmaster in every single form of martial arts ever invented (even the stupid ones you've never heard of before) and stealthier than Sam Fisher and Solid Snake sneaking up on Hellen Keller inside a sound-proof hyperbaric chamber, but unlike a lot of other lesser ninjas out there Snake Eyes knows that sometimes when you're on your own facing two full battalions of heavily-armed cyborg killing machines you have to ditch the samurai swords, bust out the motherfucking twin Uzis and start putting together a mountain of recycling-grade steel the likes of which would make Al Gore crap his pants with bio-degradable sunshine.

That's just how Snake Eyes rolls.  Like when COBRA sends a couple squadrons of F.A.N.G. Helicopters, Rattler Attack Jets and H.I.S.S. Tanks out to try and bomb him into a crater the size of South Dakota, he doesn't "seek cover" like some sort of cowering pussy - he leaps sixty feet into the air, jumps from aircraft to aircraft slicing open cockpits and fuselages with his dong before soaring back to earth and tearing the tanks apart piece-by-piece using only a broken katana and a handful of 9mm bullets (which he's capable of throwing with deadly force and accuracy) before hopping on a motorcyle, popping a sweet ass wheelie, and then leaping off it right before it explodes, making sure to give Zartan and Destro a double flying side kick to the balls while in mid-flight.  Black Sabbath plays in the background while he is doing this.

He also gets badass points for having an awesome sidekick - Timber the Unimaginatively-Named Timber Wolf, who's like fifteen police K-9 attack dogs smashed together, injected with PCP and horse steroids and capable of biting through seventeen inches of tempered steel - and a deadly arch-enemy - the ninja assassin Storm Shadow, with his two hundred foot vertical leap and ability to fling ninja stars with enough force to cause a nuclear explosion.  Sidekicks and arch-nemeses are both pretty much required of any sort of professional-grade badass, and Snake Eyes doesn't disappoint.  Oh fuck, and I almost forgot to mention he's also a master of demolitions, a certified hand-to-hand combat instructor, a highly-efficient commando warrior, the Grand Master of an obscure clan of Japanese ninjas, a Vietnam vet and the only GI Joe capable of eating fifteen hot dogs in one sitting without barfing.  One time he got in a helicopter accident and his head caught on fire.  He's so awesome he doesn't even talk and he still bangs one of the only two girl Joes.  You know that's hardcore, because those bitches probably have their pick of the guys.  It's gotta be the raw animal magnetism inherent in a guy who can break through reinforced concrete walls with his fists and who's so Xtreme balls-out that his head is capable of spontaneous combustion.

Yeah sure I don't know anything about Snake Eyes other than what was in the old-school TV show from the 80's and the Marvel comics series, but god damn I think those taught me everything I needed to know about why he rocks the giant blue balls off of a blue-balled baboon.  I mean, he's a goddamned NINJA COMMANDO who throws shurikens and hand grenades and who is just as likely to fly through the air and slash your face off as he is to empty an entire clip of ammo into you - What the hell else do you need?!



"He's generally regarded as the primo-baddest dude of all the G.I. Joes.  When we need somebody to sneak up on a class A major bad guy and pop a can of butt-kick on him, Snake Eyes is the man for the job.  The bad guy could be in a fortress on top of a sheer cliff, but that wouldn't bother him at all.  He'd just shimmy his way up the cliff face until he cornered the culprit and took him down!"

- From Snake Eyes' 1991 File Card


His *retardedly* in-depth Wikipedia entry

Snake-Eyes at yojoe.com

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Tags: 20th century | 21st century | Fictional | Martial Arts | Ninja | United States

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