Since my wife and I bit the bullet and decided to pay the extra five bucks a month to upgrade our digital cable, we've been watching more than an unhealthy amount of the Nickelodeon Games and Sports Channel, a low-budget cable network that's entire television lineup consists of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, Family Double Dare, Finders Keepers, Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS. Watching close to five hours of GUTS a week has made me realize that the AGGRO-CRAG is the greatest thing ever constructed by human or alien technology.
The AGGRO-CRAG is located deep in the heart of Nickelodeon's EXTREME ARENA and represents the ultimate test of courage for kids ages twelve to fourteen not only across the country, but across the globe as well. The AGGRO-CRAG, or AGGRESSIVE ROCK, is a forty-foot tall mountain made up of spikes, steel girders, broken robot parts, volcanic rock and THE ESSENSE OF PURE EVIL. It could totally kill Frodo and Samwise and make Mount Doom it's bitch if it wanted to, and it would still have energy left to beat the crap out of pussy mountains like K2 and MOUNT ST. HELENS. If the AGGRO-CRAG were a real person, it would be a mix of Tony Hawk, The Big Show, a post-apocalyptic mutant cactus and a really awesome bloodthirsty PIRATE because it would be big, mean, irradiated and XTREME.
After the contestants on GUTS manage to get past the other pointless GUTS contests such as ROAD WARRIOR, ELASTIC BASKETBALL and THE SACK ATTACK, they face off in a race to the top of the most Radical Rock to ever grace Nickelodeon Studios. The climb to the top isn't easy though, as contestants face BIG GREEN FALLING ROCKS, WOBBLY FLOORS, SNOW STORMS, FALLING CONFETTI/GLITTER STUFF, and the dreaded NUCLEAR FLYING CRYSTALS, all the while being heckled by Florida Marlins jersey-wearing charisma vortex Mike O'Malley and his big-haired screeching Irish bird sidekick/sexual harrasment target Moira (or MOE, as he likes to call her). As if getting to the top isn't difficult enough, these kids have to hit seven ACTUATORS on the way up, otherwise the vicious man-eating CRAG TROLL at the top of the mountain bites off their arms and throws them off the cliff to their deaths so that Mike O'Malley can steal their WALLETS and Moe can feast on their souls. If all seven ACTUATORS are hit and the kid manages to scale the FIVE FOOT sheer cliff face and get to the top, they pound a final ACTUATOR and then collapse to the floor dead from exhaustion. At least they can die happy though, knowing that they had done the impossible and bested the most awesome mountain to ever be crafted by underpaid Nickelodeon stagehands.
"The MEGA-CRAG is MEGA: MEGA bad, MEGA tough, MEGA EVERYTHING"
- Mike O'Malley