A couple weeks ago I put together an erotic slash nerd fanfic article about Jack Churchill taking on a TITANOBOA. Well over Easter weekend (Latin Easter, not Greek Easter, so "Opa!" to all of my Eastern Orthodox readers out there), a Kenyan man named Ben Nyaumbe experienced a first-hand reenactment of that epic struggle, only somehow the real thing was even more over-the-top insane than the most insane, whacked-out shit that could come out of the deepest corners of my already-whacked-out brain.
Ben was just chilling on the farm he worked at in rural Kenya. The guy had been the manager here for the last ten years running, and as usual, he was the last guy there, working until about 7:30 p.m. But he didn't really give a shit. No big deal, just another day at the office. That is of course, until as he was walking back from the field, he felt something squishy under his feet.
The next thing he knew, he was being leg-sweeped by a goddamned thirteen-foot long python from hell.
The massive beast tripped Nyaumbe up, knocked him to the ground, and immediately started wrapping itself around him like the giant man-eating Anaconda snake from that crazy 1990s movie with Ice Cube (I think it was cleverly titled Anaconda). Ben tried to fight it off, but the powerful creature pinned his left arm to his torso and started squeezing the ever-loving fuck out of him like crazy.
Now, I'm not sure how much you guys know about pythons, but these things are seriously fucking vicious. This sort of tremendous, muscular beast generally eats things like sheep, goats, and dogs, plus the occasional kangaroo. There was one incident where an overly-ambitious python actually killed and tried to eat a six-foot gator, and there are several documented cases where constrictor snakes of equal size have killed the shit out of careless humans. Needless to say, caught off guard and firmly in the clenched iron coils of this giant skull-crushing python, with only one usable appendage, things were looking pretty bad for our friend.
But Ben Nyaumbe wasn't going to just keel over and asphyxiate like some kind of chump. He was going to punch this thing in the fuck till it shit.
A thirteen-foot python.
His first order of business was to let this giant abomination from the sick asshole of Mother Nature know that he wasn't going to punk out and die without a fight. When the snake began to tighten itself around Nyaumbe, he did the one thing he could to inflict damage on this hideous monstrosity – he bit the fuck out of it.
That's right, this dude attacked a killer python with his teeth, chowing down on it like a giant, scaly, carnivorous Big Mac.
The python wasn't really a big fan of having its tail chomped, so it started fucking pulling this dude across the ground. I have no idea how the shit this would work logistically, but apparently this giant man-eating snake held onto Ben with its abdomen and began dragging him towards a nearby tree. Well, Nyaumbe wasn't done yet. As he was being pulled, he grabbed onto a nearby tree trunk and held on for dear life. He held on tenaciously, fighting this thing off for almost an hour.
This alone should give you some indication of how tough Ben Nyaumbe is. The man has spent the last ten-plus years doing hard labor in the fields, and is probably in pretty goddamned incredible shape. This is a fact you can further glean from the fact that he hung onto a tree trunk with one arm for over an hour while a ridiculous thirteen-foot long snake choked him the fuck out. Sure, this thing wasn't exactly a 40-foot TITANOBOA, but it was so pissed-off, violent, and horrifically mean it might as well have been called the SATANOBOA. So yeah, while most people can't hang from a chin-up bar with one hand for like five minutes, this guy somehow managed to resist this beast from Hell for an hour.
Eventually Nyaumbe's strength gave out, and he lost his grip on the tree. The monster then pulled this dude a short ways across the field, and then somehow pulled this dude up into the branches of another tree! No kidding, this thing dragged poor Ben up like ten feet off the ground into a tree like a crazy homicidal reptilian lumberjack.
Thinking that it had Ben sufficiently weakened, the python unhinged its jaw and got ready to return the favor and bite the fuck out of Ben Nyaumbe's face until he died from it. But, as we've already seen, this guy wasn't going to sit there and let himself become dinner for some horrible killer monster the likes of which you don't generally see outside of an Epic-Level D&D quest. Right as this thing was going to impale his face with its fangs, Ben freed his other arm, pulled off his shirt, and wrapped it around the monster's face.
With the Kenyan equivalent of Mankind's "Socko" stuck to its face, the python wasn't able to see, much less get its jaws around Ben Nyaumbe's cranium. So Ben was holding this thing with one arm, trying desperately to control it, while with the other hand he reached into his pocket and busted out his cell phone. He sent his best friend a text saying something along the lines of: OMG SNAKE EATIN MY HEAD
As Ben Nyaumbe and the SATANOBOA are desperately fighting for their lives, slugging it out like the final rounds of the Rocky-Drago bout, both men on their last legs, drawing from their last reserves of energy, his friend goes and gets two police officers, and together they rush to the scene of the epic battle. They all leap out of the cop car and head towards the tree. One of the officers takes one look at this gigantic goddamned snake locked in mortal combat with this poor farmer and is so terrified by this physical incarnation of evil that he seriously fucking ran back to his police car and locked himself inside.
Undeterred by the fact that an officer of the law just failed his saving throw vs. fear, Ben calls out to the men for help. The one remaining cop throws a rope up into the tree for our hero, who manages to somehow get the rope tied around the vicious snake's neck. He throws the other end down to his friend, and the two men at the bottom of the tree manage to yank hard enough to send both Ben Nyaumbe and SATANOBOA crashing to the earth. Together, the three men subdue the monster, and the police ship it off to a nearby animal preserve.
All told, the duel lasted for roughly three hours. Ben Nyaumbe had not only managed to survive the violent, prolonged conflict with one of the planet's deadliest and most ruthless predators - he made that monster his bitch.
But the story doesn't end there. The next morning, when rangers at the preserve went back to take a closer look at the snake, they found that its cage was empty. SATANOBOA had escaped.
If the monster comes back seeking vengeance, Ben Nyaumbe will be ready.
Man Bites Snake