The Headless Horseman

Trick-or-treaters don't really do the whole "apartment building" thing, so this Halloween Andrea and I spent a nice quiet Tuesday evening watchingSleepy Hollow on network TV like the boring old people that we are. Now Tim Burton flicks generally function more as fashion guidelines for what goths should wear to prom, and generally aren't really good sources for Badass of the Week material, but the goddamned Headless Horseman is without a doubt a stone-cold untouchable badass. He's tough, he's unstoppable, and he's got some pretty sweet moves with his sword and axes. But if the concept of a gigantic fucking undead soldier riding a huge ass black horse across the countryside of rural New York lopping of random peoples' heads in the middle of the night isn't badass enough for you, I've put together a list of the top five things that make the Headless Horseman worthy of this list.

#1. The Headless Horseman Is Motherfucking Christopher Walken

I should just end the article right here, because there isn't a soul on this planet who would ever question the badassitude of The Walken. Fuck, the fact that I was able to run this feature for two and a half years without ever mentioning a Christopher Walken character is enough to make me feel a little sick to my stomach, and I'm glad I'm finally rectifying that situation. The guy is high in the running for "creepiest man ever", and he is unassailably awesome in everything that he does. Add on the fact that in this movie he has fucking crazy-ass blue eyes, wild hair, a gigantor black-bladed broadsword and his teeth are filed into points and you've got one of the most menacing movie villains around. I mean just look at that picture; I sure as shit wouldn't want to meet this bastard in a dark cornfield somewhere.

#2. The Headless Horseman Has No Motherfucking Head

Even without the frightful visage of the immortal Walken, the Horseman is equally as menacing. The sheer intimidation factor of seeing a black-clad headless rider galloping towards you on a mighty black steed with his black sword of blackness unsheathed would be enough to turn the bravest men around into sniveling cowards. The guy even frightens random forest creatures to the point where his impending arrival is foretold by the sound of deer running madly through the brush. Even if you were stupid enough to try and face this abomination from Hell, you wouldn't stand a fucking chance because not only is he one of the most skilled swordsmen to ever live but also because...

#3. The Headless Horseman Cannot Motherfucking Be Killed By Conventional Weapons

Oh FSU grad Casper Van Dien, why would you try to shoot the Horseman with your crappy flintlock musket? You can't kill him. He's already dead. It's a well-known fact that the only way to destroy the undead is to cut of their heads, and the fucking Horseman HAS NO HEAD. It's like his only potential weak spot doesn't even exist. I guess you can shoot him all you want, or slash him, or fucking trap him inside a windmill and set the entire thing on fire, but you're just going to end up with a hot angry guy with a couple of holes in his jacket trying to slice your head off. You are only succeeding in irritating him.

#4. The Headless Horseman Collects Motherfucking Severed Heads Just For the Hell of It

Even when the Hessian was alive, he was still an unstoppable killing machine with a penchant for decapitating any Americans that even so much as looked at him cross-eyed. He would ride into battle like a fucking maniac, chopping people's heads off all over the place like some kind of one-man French Revolution on crack. In fact, he loved severing people's craniums so much that even after he was killed he kept on taking heads. Maybe it was some sort of like post-mortum instinctive reflex, like how a snake will sometimes still try to bite you for a couple minutes after you cut its head off. Whatever the case, he was just so awesome at lopping heads that he didn't want to stop. The only real difference is that after his death, the Horseman started keeping the heads inside the trunk of his weirdo Hell Tree like some sort of crazy ass trophy case for psychos.

#5. Even If The Headless Horseman Likes You, He Still Bites Your Motherfucking Face

Holy shit this guy is a mean bastard. I was under the impression that he was like in love with the lady at the end of the movie or something, but even though he likes her he STILL fucking bites her face like some kind of crazy bipolar bat or something. You just can't win with this guy - he fucking hates everything, and lives to cause massive trauma to other peoples' heads at all costs. That's pretty badass, if not a little bit fucked up.