Even though hunting and fishing are considered by many folks to be as manly as cooking meat on badass charcoal grills or a football team that bases its entire offense around the Fullback Power Sweep, it may surprise you to find that I'm not a particularly huge animal-killing enthusiast. While I certainly appreciate the skill and patience that goes into the hobby and don't in any way intend to detract from it's supporters, the truth is that you will probably never see a Badass of the Week article written about a guy who shot a massive wild boar or caught a Jaws-sized shark or something. The way I see it, humanity has such a huge technological advantage over wildlife that it gives us an unfair advantage, and in your typical hunter-hunted encounter the wild beast is pretty much universally considered the underdog.
However, when a man goes up against a massive, insanely powerful creature in life-or-death hand-to-hand combat and emerges victorious, that's another story all together. That's exactly what happened to 68 year-old hunter Gene Moe while he was out hunting deer on Raspberry Island near Kodiak, Alaska. Gene had just killed a buck and was in the process of cleaning it with his pocketknife when all of a sudden he looked over his shoulder and saw a fucking gigantor 750-pound Kodiak grizzly bear lunge at him teeth-first in an attempt to consume poor Gene's entire face in one chomp. Gene never even heard the thing coming and in a split-second this bear had bitten a huge chunk out of his shoulder and started kicking his ass all over the place. Since Gene was in the process being slapped around like a bitch by this ginormous killing machine he had no time to run across the small clearing and grab his rifle, so he did the only thing he could - he started stabbing the shit out of this fucking bear with his stupid folding-blade pocketknife. Well it just so happens that bears don't appreciate being shivved in the neck like unpopular prison inmates, so this fucking thing proceeded to grab Gene by the fucking neck and chuck him eight feet through the air, where he crashed face-first into the dirt and snow. He immediately scrambled back to his feet as the bear closed on him, but before he could regain his "bear"ings (nyuk nyuk) the fucking thing smacked the shit out of him with its massive paw, sending him sprawling back down to the mat like Glass Joe taking a star-powered uppercut from Little Mac. Gene rolled over onto his back just as the fucking grizzly was throwing itself on top of him in an effort to crush him and/or pin him to the mat like Andre the Giant, but Gene was able to give it a double-leg kick at the last second and knock it off him. Both man and beast struggled back on their feet, and the bear then proceeded to bite the ever-loving shit out of Gene's leg with its giant honking Fangs of Flesh-Tearing +2. This only succeeded in making Gene even more pissed however, and he just started stabbing the fucking hell out of this thing. The bear backed off to a safe distance and began to slowly circle-strafe around Gene, looking for an opportunity to swoop in for the kill. At this point Gene was so fucked up that he could barely stand, but he was still balls-out enough to taunt the creature, yelling, "come on bear, the Lord is on my side!" Then he probably did that "come get some" hand gesture that Morpheus does in The Matrix.
The bear let out a roar, started foaming at the mouth like Old Yeller and lunged full-force at our beleagured survivalist. Gene responded by fucking punching the bear right in its stupid bear face with a massive left hook, sending it sprawling to the floor, where it lay motionless. That's right. This sixty year old tough-as-shit old man knocked a bear unconscious by punching it in the fucking mouth Punisher-style. In order to keep the creature from coming back and finishing him off, Gene had to shoot it twice in the chest.
But this is just the beginning of Gene Moe's story. Exhausted, terribly wounded and half-dead from his epic battle, he then started his long journey to safety. He grabbed his gear and slowly trudged through the thick Alaskan underbrush until his legs finally gave out and he fell into the thick snow. Unable to find the strength to stand, he crawled face-first through endless patches of pointy thistles, never willing to give up. Finally he decided to ditch any of the unnecessary gear that was weighing him down, including his rifle, and pulled himself back to his feet so he could continue to limp to safety. At one point during his journey he realized that he was being stalked by another bear (probably one that smelled his blood) so he was forced to remain completely motionless despite the agonizing pain he was in. However, despite all odds he managed to travel two miles back to the shore, where he was immediately rushed to the hospital by a Coast Guard helicopter.
It took seven hours of surgery, two skin grafts, one month of rehab and over five hundred stitches, but Gene Moe survived the ordeal. He had gone toe-to-toe with a seven hundred pound killing machine that possessed the strength of ten angry pickup trucks, managed to beat the holy living crap out of it using only his bare hands and a ten dollar pocketknife, army-crawled his way two miles to safety and lived to tell the tale. Fucking amazing. In true badass fashion, the first thing Gene Moe did after leaving the hospital was to recover the body of his slain enemy and have it mounted on the wall of his trophy room. Now that's a hunting tale that commands respect.
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