The Badass of the Week.

-- The Legend of Doug Flutie Magic --
Update 6 May 2005 by Amazing Ben

Some of you might have heard this week that the biggest little man in professional football Doug Flutie signed with the New England Patriots.  Now I'm sure that many of you are like, "Who the hell is Doug Flutie and what does this have to do with anything that I even remotely care about?" and you would have a valid point.  However, this is my website and I do whatever the hell I want with it, so you can shove that up your pipe-hole and smoke it with french fried potatoes, corned beef steak tartar sauce and a bag of chips because DOUG FLUTIE is the fucking awesomest man to ever put on a pair of shoulder pads and get his ass smacked by a three hundred pound offensive lineman and is the greatest sports legend since Elroy "No Fingers" Whitehurst and Doug "Garbagetown" Johnson.  Don't believe me?  Choke on this!

Doug Flutie was born in 316 BC in Atlantis and was the only son of Cleopatra and God so you know that he's X-treme to the max.  Raised by Mongol warriors on the Russian steppes, Flutie honed his skills in horseback archery and precision passing, and it was rumored that he could throw a football while riding at a full gallop and have it explode someone's head accurately from sixty yards away.  Despite being only five feet nine inches tall and weighing about one hundred and twenty pounds, Flutie was an expert at slaying Hydras and eluding the stomping feet of pissed-off Storm Giants while taming wild boars, bench pressing well over four times his body weight and performing complex mathematical equations without the use of a calculator.

During his youth, Flutie decided that it was his station in life to become the greatest quarterback to ever live, and he set about not only revolutionizing the entire sport of football but also changing the face of the world and the forever altering the socioeconomic dynamic of our great nation.  Join me now in celebrating the timeline of Flutie History.

August 8th, 1635:
Urged on by the pantheon of Gods from Mount Olympus, Doug Flutie is delivered from his homeland to the United States and thus begins his football career playing at Natick High in Natick, MA.  Flutie sets Natick High records by throwing for two billion yards and three hundred touchdowns in his freshman season and makes the All-Universe Team as voted on by the football fans from the planet Dan Marinon.  He would go on to play for several professional teams from around the globe in his millenia-spanning career, making a name for himself as the greatest athlete to ever live.

July 4th, 1776:
Flutie happens upon a convention while in Philadelphia for a game against the Temple Owls and finds that the colonial revolutionaries are trying to develop a document indicating their desire to secede from the United Kingdom.  The Continental Congress is on the verge of giving up when Flutie inspires them with a rousing speech urging them to "Never Give Up", "Push It to the Limit" and "Score a Touchdown for Democracy".  The First Continental Congress invites Flutie to assist in their discussions and the Declaration of Independence is the result of his hard work, managerial skills and expert leadership.

July 2, 1862:
After winning his fifth world title while playing for Natick High, Flutie discovers that the Southern United States have seceded and revolution has fomented in the nation that he had worked so hard to build.  Flutie rushes to the call of his country and at the Battle of Gettysburg he leads his troops to victory on the summit of Little Round Top.  Flutie later recommends to President Lincoln that he give some sort of address to the troops after the battle.  The "four score" in "four score and seven years ago"?  Obviously a reference to Flutie's four TD performance against Temple back in '76.

June 8th, 1944:
Flutie once again heads to the front when he hears that Nazi Germany has gone to war with America and is planning on starting his game against NFL Europe's Rhein Fire wihout him.  Desperate to keep his streak of eight million and three consecutive games with a touchdown pass intact, Flutie enlists with the US 101st Airborne Division and parachutes into the vanguard of the Normandy invasion.  En route to the stadium, Flutie manages to drag seven GIs from a burning building, destroy a German machine gun nest by throwing a football so hard that it breaks the MG42 in half, and avoid getting tackled-for-loss by a team of crack Nazi stormtrooper linebackers.  HUT HUT HUT!

February 2, 1945:
Inspired by Flutie's uplifting performance on the battlefield, the Allied forces press their attack and manage to bring Germany to its knees.  Allied leaders summon Flutie to Yalta to discuss the future of Europe and decide what will happen in the Pacific War.  In a pickup game of 5-on-5 two-hand-touch on the Yalta parade grounds, Flutie manages to pull out a victory over the Russians by hitting Winston Churchill for a game-winning 35-yard catch-and-run touchdown as time runs out.  Flutie's pass sailed over the head of Franklin Roosevelt and a slick 360 spin move by Churchill faked Josef Stalin out of his shoes.

July 20, 1969:
Doug Flutie completes the first pass on the surface of the moon, hitting Buzz Aldrin on a seven yard quick hitch route, flipping the ball behind his back and past the outstretched hands of a diving Neil Armstrong.  Flutie then sets a Solar System record that stands to this day by throwing a football a distance of eighteen miles.  Conspiracy theorists claim this to be a hoax.

November 23, 1984:
Doug Flutie stages the greatest last-second play in the history of football.  With his Boston College Eagles down 47-41 to college football powerhouse Miami in the Orange Bowl with 28 seconds on the clock, Flutie starts from his own 20 and completes two passes to bring his team to the other side of the 50.  With seven seconds left in the game, Flutie rolls out, avoids a tackler and wings the ball 53 yards in the air where Wide Receiver Gerry Phelan catches it in the end zone for the game-winning touchdown.  Boston College are the National Champions and Flutie wins the Heisman Trophy, passing for an NCAA-record 10,579 yards along the way.

Click here to see the video of the "Hail Mary"

April 14, 1986:
Doug Flutie introduces the greatest ever cereal created, "Flutie Flakes", to some of his closest followers at a private ceremony at an undisclosed location.  Flutie Flakes catch on as an international craze, with proceeds going to the Doug Flutie, Jr. Foundation for Autism proving that Flutie is not only an awesome quarterback but also a true humanitarian and all-around classy guy.

November 27, 1987:
Presenter: "Here's your Nobel Prize, Mr. Flutie"
Flutie: "Yes.  I am awesome."
Presenter: "You know this is the first time this award has ever been given for a cereal, right?"
Flutie: "Yes, but has any cereal ever brought the world together the way my Flutie Flakes have?"
Presenter: "Indeed not. Touché."

January 18th, 1988:
Doug Flutie is invited to the White House to instruct President Ronald Regan in the correct and safe way to eat Flutie Flakes without passing out face-first in your bowl or accidentally nuking Moscow.

Doug Flutie decides during a brief stint with the Bears and Patriots that the NFL is too easy for him to showcase his talents, so he joins the Canadian Football League, playing for the Calgary Stampeders with his brother, who would go on to be the all-time leading receiver in the history of the CFL.  Flutie would win the Grey Cup (the Canadian Super Bowl) with the Stampeders in 1992, and again with the Toronto Argonauts in 1996 and 1997.  He was the MVP of all three games and won the league's MVP award a record six times, from 1991-1994 and from 1996-1997.  He is still known as probably the greatest quarterback in the history of the CFL (and in the history of American Football, of course).

Flutie finally decides to return to the NFL, where he takes a starting job with the Buffalo Bills.  He takes a crappy Bills team to the playoffs two years in a row and is elected to the Pro Bowl in 1998.  In a bullshit craphole conspiracy, Flutie is pulled in the playoffs in 1998 despite going 10-5 during the regular season, scoring two hundred touchdowns, playing offense and defense, leaping over defenders, knocking down people twice his size and being the only competent person on his team.  His backup, Rob "Sack Machine" Johnson blows the game in his first start in the playoffs and the Bills lose.  Flutie gets pissed at the conspiracy crap and signs with the Chargers in 1999.  He kicks some ass there before serving off-and-on as either the starter or the backup to Drew Brees.  In 2003 at the age of two thousand three hundred and nineteen he becomes the oldest player to ever rush for two touchdowns in a game.

The Future:
He's been signed by the Patriots, but it's clear that Flutie has bigger and better things on his mind.  It's my opinion that we should lift Flutie to the level of President, Dictator and God Among Men, which is something that he already is but that we need to start recognizing before we get a football to the brain.  We must all bow down to the will of the Almighty Flutie.


The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles