The Badass of the Week.

E-Mail: The Russian Berserker

I did remember after I wrote you about a man you can't really write about because he didn't make history and no one knows his name, not even the veteran who told me the story.

He was leading a platoon of infantrymen in France during WWII.  The Germans being the badasses they thought they were had kicked some rich French family out of their villa and were running the show from there.  The Americans knew that there were some officers there and definitely plans for the battles that were kicking American asses on the front lines.  This little group of men was assigned to infiltrate and "try" to take the villa.  They were actually supposed to serve as a suicide squad who were to keep the Krauts busy killing them while the real Army waltzed in the front door.  So, our heroes looked at this once lovely home and pondered their mortality.  Did I mention it was heavily guarded up the ass and surrounded by fields of landmines?  The leader of the little force was also assigned the biggest man he had ever seen...who was Russian and spoke no English. 

The Russian marched up to the leader, said something unintelligible and then charged out into the field of landmines.  He had noticed something they hadn't.  The field was littered with dead cows -- blown up when they stepped on a mine.  A dead cow meant that the mine was deactivated...  So he goes tearing ass out there waving for the rest to follow and they basically crossed the field leap-frogging from dead cow to dead cow...some of which had been dead a very long time.  They make it across the mined field with every man still alive only to find the Germans strung razor wire along the top of the fence just in case some suicidal bunch of idiots made it across the field.  Did this stop the badass Russian?   Hell no!  He walks back a few steps grabs a fucking cow and heaves nearly half a ton of dead beef over the fence covering the razor wire.  The guards are apparently on vacation and our heroes rapidly scramble over the fence and take cover as best they can.  They can see four guards talking among themselves oblivious to the fact they are now being watched.

One of the troop accidentally makes a noise and the guards swing their rifles around directly at the troops.  Before anyone could do anything this huge crazy motherfucking Russian starts screaming at the top of his lungs and charges directly at the guards.  He was covered in rotting cow, snarling like a grizzly and making enough noise to wake the dead.  They should have shot him as full of holes as a Swiss cheese -- at that range they couldn't have missed.  But his beserking, balls-out pure crazy I-dont'-give-a-shit-if-I-die scared the shit out of the guards and one flat out dropped his gun and ran for the hills.  The other 3 just stood their with their mouths open as the Americans mowed them down.  The Russian didn't stop, he charged like the crazy motherfucker he was and continued on blasted into the inside room where the Nazi's were taking tea. 

Having a crazy, stinking, dripping beserker that looks and sounds like a bear with his balls in a blender suddenly appear is enough to give most anyone pause.  He made it across the room before any of the officers could get their shit together enough to pull out a gun and fire...and then they missed.  But the Army didn't.  When the "real" battalion marched up the road prepared to do battle they found the villa taken, the Nazi's dead or scared into huddled piles along the wall and one large stinking Russian standing there grinning at them while the "expendable" troops kicked back battle plans in front of them on the table.

My student said he never could pronounce the man's name but he'd remember that smile to his dying day and was eternally glad that was one Russian who was on our side.



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