The Badass of the Week.

The Revenge Business


I live in New Zealand, so for me your updates appear sometime early saturday morning.  Imagine my dismay when, having logged on and effortlessly navigated my way to your homepage (yes, effortlessly, I'm that good) in search of more early saturday morning laughs and hijinxs and shit, I instead found that you'd been fucked by some motherless fucking fucker.  And had responded in much the same way as I myself responded a couple of months ago.  Only I don't have a fantastically popular internet site, so I tried to get mine published in 'letters to the editor' in the local paper instead.  Despite the fact that I very thoughtfully edited out all my glib expressions (such as "cock smoking mother fucker"), they didn't print it.  So I just printed it out and let my friends read it and once that was all done the rage had left my system.  Sort of.  Only not really.  Like I bought an axe.  Sure, my flatmates think I bought it because we needed an axe for chopping firewood, but you with your intuition born of common experience will realise that was only a convenient excuse.

Anyway, just so you know you're not alone, here's my letter.


Dear Fucker Who Stole My Surfboard (FWSMS)

I am fine.  I hope you are not.  I am writing about my surfboard, which you stole from the shed at the back of our house.  There are several things I would like clarified.

Thing the first:  What were you doing at the back of our house in the first place.  I know you had no legitimate business there, because if you had legitimate business there you would not have stolen my surfboard, would you FWSMS?  No, you wouldn't have.  So I can only assume you were there WITHOUT a legitimate reason.  I may, of course, be simply showing my naivete here.  Has society progressed to a point at which "scoping out what shit they gotz that I mite be able to steal" is now a legitimate reason to be around the back of someones house?  If this is the case, please furnish me with your address so I may exercise my newly realised rights.

Thing the second:  Why did you steal my surfboard?  I am prepared to be charitable and assume that you didn't realise taking my surfboard is something that would usually fall under the heading of "stuff you shouldn't do".  To assist you in these situations in the future, I've compiled a handy list for you to refer to.

- Does the thing I'm about to take belong to someone else, and am I taking it without their knowledge?

- Would taking the thing be considered theft by the average person (A prerequisite for being an 'average person' is being something other than a 'useless filthy piece of shit motherfucker', so the views of any of your friends on the matter are largely irrelevant)

- If you were to steal the thing, would it be reasonable for the original owner to spend a lazy afternoon kicking you in the crotch (note the applicability to either gender I'm employing for increased utility) in the event that they caught you.

If the answer to any of the above three items is "Yes", then it IS something you shouldn't do, so DON'T DO IT.

Thing the third:  You evidently believe in some alternate societal structure, built not upon mutual respect and consideration for others; but upon doing whatever offers the largest immediate reward for yourself.  As such, please provide me with a photograph of yourself, so I know NOT to help were I to come upon you in a situation where, being ignorant of your world view, I would usually help you.  My failure to help will not be out of a petty desire for revenge or justice, but simply to avoid a situation in which you would feel like a total hypocrite for being helped by someone you had stolen from.

To summarise, coz I realise most of the above probably went right over your head;  If you ever had aspirations of being accepted as a human being, give them up.  You have failed.  I don't care if you were drunk, or on drugs, or just generally a loser.  I waste valuable amounts of my time trying to work out how to fix the world so that abberations such as yourself don't happen.  I probably pay tax to support you.  Donating surfboards so that your dumb punkass can get a thrill is not part of the deal.  If I ever see you on my property, or anyone behaving in a manner that I deem similar to the manner in which you were probably behaving, I will break both your arms.  If I'm feeling charitable I won't also break your legs, but I'm not charitably inclined right now, so invest in a pair of crutches.  I'm sure the hospital has some you could steal.

I'm going to continue to be nice to nice people, and try and make the world a better place, but my tolerance for worthless fucks such as yourself has dropped right down, and sympathy and compassion has been replaced by thinly veiled incipient menace.  Come steal something again.  I dare you.


There are a lot of parallels really between yours and mine, I can only assume that having shit stolen by worthless fucks taps into some deep primal core of rage.  Anyway, I propose a mutual cooperation agreement.  Seeing as neither of us know for sure who took our stuff, we just cover all the bases.  Now, one man alone can no doubt change the world, but it takes a fuckin AGE.  TWO men on the other hand, acting in concert, can acheive so much more.  If you take every opportunity to take out the trash on motherless theiving fuckers you run into over in boston, and I take every opportunity to take out the trash on motherless theiving fucks over here, then that's a dual node system right there baby.  Far more effective, built in redundancy, the lot.  And better still, there's always the possibilty it'll start a movement, and all the people who have been fucked around by motherless theiving fucks (we probably want to abbreviate that in our literature) could band together and take the trash out on a global scale, and then there'll be none of them left and life will be, at least on a relative basis, peachy.

Your partner in ruining the shit of theiving worthless bastards,


p.s. Your updates crack me up. Keep writing them, they are gold.
p.p.s Don't get shot.  The only thing worse than having your stuff stolen by a worthless bastard is being killed by a worthless bastard.


The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles