Badass of the Week.

-- An Ode to Die Hard --

Dear Amazing Ben,

This morning I was thinking about a future issue of a column that I write (The theme was "Favorite Holiday Movies") and "Die Hard" came up. After thinking about how I would describe it, I decided the best method was Poetry. Here's the result:

"An Ode to Die Hard"

"T'was the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
'til Alan Rickman stormed the house.

They came in wearing jackboots and packing hot lead,
while visions of $640 million danced in their heads.
With the workers imprisoned and the CEO capped,
They began work on the safe that they wanted to crack.

When a couple floors up, there arose such a clatter,
they sent Karl's little brother to see what was the matter.
Armed with a gun, it proved little defense,
for he fell down some stairs, and broke his damned neck.

Enter John McClane, who took that man's life,
A cop from New York, visiting his wife.
When they found Karl's brother, Karl broke out in rage,
and vowed to kill John to even the stage.

After killing a few more, he got a radio
to tell the LAPD all they needed to know.
Though John spoke the truth, they thought he had lied,
'til he dropped a dead body on Sergeant Powell's ride.

Hoping to be freed, Ellis dropped McClane's name,
Sold out his savior and messed up his game.
Rickman said, "Give it up McClane, I want my C-4,
Or I'll blow Ellis' brains all over the floor."

Though McClane tried, his attempts came too late,
A traitor, death seemed to be Ellis' fate.
The Chief got all mad and said, "That man is dead meat,"
While McClane set off with no shoes on his feet.

Enter Dick Thornberg, reporting that night,
harassing John's kids at the home of his wife.
Alan Rickman discovered Holly was John's love,
kidnapped his wife, and sent the rest up above.

John discovered the roof was rigged with C-4,
the hostages (and the FBI) would be no more.
He got the hostages down, after beating up Karl,
but the chopper blew up in a great flaming snarl.

Alan got in the vault after setting off the bomb,
and went in to steal all those millions of bonds.
With his last surviving accomplice and John McClane's wife,
he prepared to escape and start a new life.

He took off down the hall, feeling very fufilled,
until he discovered McClane had not yet been killed.
Alan Rickman got shot, and fell down thirty flights,
John said, "Yippie-kay-yay, motherfucker," and went home for the night."

"That's the tale of John McClane and his adventure that night,
In downtown L.A., where he saved all those lives,
Die Hard's a great movie, come see for yourselves,
why this movie's way better than lame, dancing elves."

I think that sums it up nicely, don't you agree?

-Brennen Hankins-


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