Badass of the Week.

-- St. Michael the Exorcist --

Ben, your site dices my nuts. It's just that badass. You need to write an article about the site itself.

But that's not why I write. I have an additional, more recent story to add to your recent fan mail letter about Archangel Michael's sack-crushing behavior.

During the actual event that inspired the story and movie The Exorcist, the 13 year old boy on whom the exorcism was performed, Ronald Hunkeler (who became a brilliant NASA rocket scientist who developed the heat-resistant coating for unmanned vehicles entering Mars' atmosphere at barf-inducing speeds), said that the months-long ordeal ended when St. Michael decided he was going to drop by the house and check out how things were going with the ol' exorcism. Hunkeler said he had a vision where up shows the Archangel Michael to the party, and I'm guessing it's on his Harley with some sweet-as-shit supermodel on the back of it in a half-shirt and Daisy Duke shorts, and Mike pulls down his Wayfarers to scout out the scene. There surrounding the little boy Ronald is not just Satan himself, but TEN of his demon pals, and they look like they're gonna try to ass-rape little Ronald like they're at a frat party in Hell and he's some sort of passed out cheerleader.

This is where Ronald reports Satan learned that if even if you're Lord of Hell and Prince of Darkness, you'd best have more than ten friends with you if you want to ass-rape a little boy when Saint Mike shows up.

Mike tells them they best leave the boy alone if they ever expect to find all their body parts in the morning. Satan, apparently still a bit sore at Saint Michael for that whole "being-chucked-out-of-Heaven" thing, either apparently pointed at his ten evil buds and gave Mike the finger, or he just didn't hear him correctly. Either way, apparently Satan didn't move fast enough.

According to Hunkeler in his vision, Saint Michael whipped out his M1-A2 Flaming Sword and started beating down Satan and his ten Assholes of Darkness like he was some super-ninja in a Kurasawa movie. Mike's outnumbered 11 to 1, including against the embodiment of Pure Evil, and he's bashing skulls so severely that after a few minutes all 11 of the demons decide that maybe it was a bad idea to give St. Mike the finger, and they might want to find the nearest exit door and get their asses out of town. Unfortunately for them, the nearest exit door was a flaming pit to Hell that just happened to appear, and Mike was enjoying handing out the ass beatings like he was some kind of college volunteer at a Special Olympics whose job was to give candy to the crippled kids, but who's really there because he thinks it makes the chicks think he's sensitive. Hunkeler said Michael threw all 11 of their demonic asses into the pit of fire, dropped his pants, and pissed on them (I'm not too sure about that last part, actually).

But get this: In the middle of the 11-on-1 battle royale going on in Hunkeler's bedroom, Michael stopped for a bit beating their asses with both hands and began to beat their asses with ONE hand so he could turn to the 13 year old Hunkeler, smile at the kid, and say to him "Dominus," which I guess is Latin for something like "Let's see that Bruce Lee pussy try to stomp nuts like this, bitch!"

Now that's the way The Exorcist should've ended!



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