The Badass of the Week.

E-Mail:  John Carter of Barsoom

Dear Awesome Ben,

First of all, you are awesome.  Secondly, I'd like to thank you and your site for introducing me to the wonders of Badassitude; particularly for your article on a groovy dude named John Carter of Mars.

I read your site regularly and the first thing I always check on Fridays is the new badass, shortly followed by a three hour air-guitar session, a burrito and six to ten backflips (because I get so pumped up). It's like chugging a case of Mountain Dew, followed by a shot of adrenaline in my eyeball and a swift kick to the testicles; I get excited, amped, and a little pissed off that I have yet to prove myself worthy of a badass spot on your badass web site.

Back to John Carter; I recently got around to picking up the first three of Edgar Rice Burroughs' Barsoom series, A Princess of Mars, The Gods of Mars and A Warlord of Mars, and I've got to say, they fucking rock.  John Carter is so balls-out fucking aggressive that I don't even know what to do, and neither does anyone who fucks with him, because before they can even act the Virginian-born Earth-man has thrown a spear from across the planet and lodged it in their throat, or whatever the fuck those bass-ackwards Barsoomians have that pumps air into their miserable weak bodies.

He pretty much wakes up on Mars and commences to decimate every single thing that so much as breathes in a way he finds objectionable, and shortly he finds Dejah Thoris, his red-skinned true-love, and takes up the exhaustible duty of murdering everyone and everything that even cocks an eyebrow in her general direction, and although such noble and even pathetically old-timey morals as this rabid defense of one's woman are all but extinct in our present day, John Carter would not, and does not, give a rusty fuck in a rat's ass, and would probably strangle me to death and piss in my mouth if he found out I called his morals 'pathetically old-timey'.

I'd like to thank you again for introducing me to this thoroughly kick-ass character and his violent, blood-spattered, strategic exploits of kicking ass and forgetting names all over the red planet, and hope that anyone else interested in reading about this incredible badass will follow in my footsteps and read his series, each book so far has only been around 150 pages or so, and can easily be read in a single day given enough effort.

Keep up the good work, and please join me in praying for a John Carter movie in the future, hopefully not done by Disney or Pixar so it can be just as fucking sweet as the books have been.  Also, how about showing Brett Favre a little love on the badass list?  I mean, the guy's beaten through linebackers, drug addiction, play-off defeats and even played one of the best games of his life immediately after his father died in 2003.  He's even on his way to an NFC title and another possible Super Bowl run as I write this at the age of 38.  He is pretty fucking cool.


College Park, Maryland


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