Badass of the Week.

-- Working in an Insurance Office --

Dear Sir,

Let me first say that your website is the motherfucking shit. It is truly a bastion of hope, a beacon of light in a sea of worthless trash websites that truly don't deserve the bandwidth they take up.

I wanted to comment a little on your "This Is the Worst Meeting Ever". As I write this, I'm sitting in my small corner of the cubicle farm desperately trying to procure some cyanide pills so I can die peacefully. I just got hired to work doing graphic and web design for this pharmaceutical company, which is awesome by itself... But our 5-person team works in an insurance office (why?), which means that from 8-5 every day, I am surrounded by insurance salesman.

These are not the happy kind of salesman that could star in an Enzyte commercial as Bob. No, they sit at desks all day listening to redneck truck drivers trying to explain why they deserve workmen's comp for their incurable case of full-body herpes. I wouldn't describe their job as "fun", "interesting", or even "not-fucking-terrible". I think that if I was forced to do their work for more than 10 minutes I would sandblast all of my skin off and then jump face first into the Dead Sea. I literally can't consider any of them legitimate human beings, since their job could be done for about 4 cents an hour by my friends Rashiv or Shayar in rural India.

One woman who works here, who shall remain unnamed because I'm pretty sure someone would hire a professional contract killer, is the single most annoying thing I have ever been witness to. I would certainly rather be caged in a room full of motion-sensitive Furbies for the rest of my life than listen to this woman ramble on about worthless crap for another 3 seconds. Imagine a stray cat viciously clawing a baby to death in a room full of cymbals, and then imagine Joan Rivers attempting to make that noise. That is what this woman sounds like. I swear to god, every single day it is a constant effort not to walk over, grab her by the throat, and choke slam her to death like Hulk Hogan would. I honestly think humanity would be better off. I might even get a Darwin award for it. Let me give you an example of "how fucking terrible her life is":

This is being said so loudly that I can clearly hear her, at least 30 feet away through cubicles

Bitch: OH MY FUCKING GOD. I CAN. NOT. DEAL with this anymore.

Catty coworker: Like, ohmygod, what is going ooonnn?

Bitch: This ASSHOLE called me up, and had the NERVE to ask me for a 10-AF76H form! Can you BELIEVE THAT? A 10-AF76H! OBVIOUSLY he should have asked for the 32DLZ-9! I mean, who do these PEOPLE think they ARE? I work here 52 hours a day for 19 years and THIS is how I get repaid? Wellllllll, THANKS A LOT, GOD! I swear if ONE MORE person calls me up and tells me he misplaced his finance sheets, I am going to FLIP OUT! (this is a direct quote ->) "I swear to god that sometimes I'm doing more of these people's work then they're doing themselves!"

I can't make this shit up.

All of this is delivered with possibly more fervor and zest than the speech I'm sure King Leonidas gave at Thermopylae. Like really, imagine Gerard Butler as Leonidas, but instead of muscles, imagine middle-age cat woman sagging flesh, and then add to that the face of your least-favorite elementary school teacher. Imagine that instead of a voice box, she actually has a small diesel engine in her throat that somehow produces sounds close to English. To finish it off, just imagine this thing wearing a purple and red pantsuit that was actually donated to her from a secondhand store. Voila, perfecto.

So, let's do a quick pro/con list of my job:

Con: Fucking terrible and annoying coworkers, long work day, slow computers, sense of desperation and of slowly dying inside.

Pro: Sodas are 25 cents from the machine, they have Adobe CS4.

Wow, this job sucks. Well, at least it's business casual. Oh wait, fuck my life.

I would just like to add that later today, I overheard the beast say something completely ridiculous. Apparently a father called her, concerned because the life insurance for his kids didn't start until march of 2010. He wanted to open an insurance policy just for the 6 or so months, so his kids would be covered. Sounds fair, eh? Well she goes "What the fuck is this? He wants to open a policy for, what, 6 months? This is bullshit. Well THAT'S going to the bottom of the pile!" Not only did she vomit up that egotistical passage, but she proceeds to present this gem to me: "This is so unfair." Let me reeat that, for emphasis, she said "THIS IS NOT FAIR", as in TO HER. Fucking prick.

Signed,

Hiro Protagonist







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