Badass of the Week.

-- John Henry vs. the Aggro Crag

To anyone who is unfamiliar with this site, or perhaps just generally unfamiliar with unparalled levels of raw nut-gnashing fury, both Mr. Henry and the Crag have articles here...each thoroughly detailing their individual earth-shattering levels of badassness.

What is not discussed, however, is that the very nature of these two beasts are directly conflicting of on another. And with the "VS" thread fresh in my mind, it was only a matter of time before the mental explosion ripped my head asunder...which in this case, is not a bad thing.

In one corner of the smoke-filled, laser-lit halls of the GUTS colosseum, lies the Aggro-Crag. This devilish contraption is fashioned from what I can only assume are the damned souls of disgruntled NICKELODEON employees and the children left for dead within the NICK studio walls somewhere in Florida. The Aggro-Crag makes volcanoes look like kitten sneezes and probably gave Kangchenjunga, K2, and Everest all wedgies on the ol' geo playground way back in the days of Pangaea. It feasts on the bodies of any 90's kid brave or foolish enough to step foot on it (losers and victors alike), and uses avalanches, lightning, and "nuclear flying crytsals" to beat any and all contenders into fatigue, submission, and ultimately, death (and probably eternal damnation, too).

In the other corner, is John "M..F." Henry. Dubbed the "Steel-driving man" by centuries of laborers, folklorists, and awesome enthusiasts, Henry is the uncredited pioneer of the war on machines. Long ago, this man was working on building America some bitchin' rollercoaster-like railroad systems. One day, the owner of the system he was working on decided he wanted to screw over all the workers and bought himself a fancy pants steam-powered hammer. Well, our good friend John wasn't too fond of the idea and challenged the machine to a duel. After carving his way through a mountain and handing the steambot its own bolt-filled ass, John dug himself a kick-ass penthouse grave and jumped right in. To put things very simply, Skynet wouldn't dare dream of becoming self-aware if this guy were still around.

So there they are in the GUTS arena, and there we are in the stands and living rooms on the edge of our popcorn-riddled/sweat-soaked seats as these two face off. It is the Unstoppable Force Vs the Immovable Object.

Henry rushes the Crag like a pick-ax weilding wolverine. The Aggro-Crag is intially unphased as in sends meteors down from the heavens. Headbutting and dropkicking his way past the flaming projectiles as he sinks his tool into the Crag's base. The tip of Henry's pick-ax sparks as it hits the surface of the Aggro-Crag, and it is at this point that the two materials fuse just so...and in turn, create a singularity.

The world is sucked into the void as we all realize that babies really aren't all that cute, the chicken and the egg are not in any way related, and the Mayan calendar was wrong all along.

Your friendly neighborhood Ninjarai,
Jason...(Co-founder & leader of the Pirate-Ninja Alliance)

P.S.- I have enjoyed your website since I first stumbled onto the "This Huge Ass Beetle" article. Keep up the amazing work!







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