A Badassgraphy of Australia
I write to you from the grievous hell-hole that is Australia. I'm sure you've gotten an email or two from we who have survived living here long enough to learn how to use one of the few computers that actually exist in our vast, barren, lifeless home, but I thought that you might like to know a few more badass things about Australia that you missed.
Common knowledge throughout Australia will have you know that our former Prime Minister, The Hon. Bob Hawke holds the world record for the fastest consumption of a yard glass (approximately 1.7 litres) of beer; a feat completed in 11 seconds.
Another point: Currently there is a fire raging through the state of Victoria, taking up approximately 1/5 of the state, just on the outskirts of Melbourne, Australia's second most populous city, and yet nobody really gives a rat's fat arse (Australian terminology).
Australia has a population of approximately 20 million, and a military of approximately 50,000. Needless to say, that's friggin tiny, and yet to date, we've not batted an eye at jumping on board for every single war into which our allies have engaged themselves. Not because we have any vested political interest in most of these wars. Not even due to us being a particularly violent people (because generally we're more than happy to sit on the couch and watch footy (Australian Rules Football, yet another badass attribute about Australia) than get up and do anything constructive), but simply because we couldn't imagine being absent for such a thing.
Another badass thing about Australia: Aussie Rules. This is a sport involving 18 guys running around a cricket oval kicking a rugby ball as far as they possibly can then getting in as big a fight as they possibly can. Unlike gaywad soccer, a comprehensive victory isn't 1:0, it's friggin 210:40, and at least one player will have had a career ending injury, like a dislocated leg or arm, smashed face or chest or a broken neck, because, as I forgot to mention, the players don't actually wear any armour. A footy player generally strides out onto the field with all 6 foot 8 of himself (a short footballer) wrapped in shorts, a singlet, knee-high socks and footy boots. These boots are then frequently used to jump up and stand on another man's back while he's jumping so as to catch a ball before he does. Really, quite a badass sport, considering it's more or less the only televised sport for six months in the southern states of Australia.
Also, there's an Australian animal called the wombat. I don't know whether you've heard of it, but it's sorta like a huge (about a yard long), tailless beaver that hates water. While generally docile, their main defence mechanism is to either climb down a hole and shove their hard-as-rock wombat arse into the entrance, thus blocking entrance to pretty much anything, or simply to run as fast as they can before headbutting the shit out of you. These things also have an annoying habit of wandering onto highways at night (they're nocturnal). Unfortunately, they're built like little stone elementals with +6 truck flipping powers that can turn a 3-trailered Mack truck on its side. These things are common throughout the eastern states, one having totalled my car recently, going through the radiator, air conditioner and engine mount and totally fucking every single one of them up royally. The best thing about them, though, isn't how big they are now. Before our aboriginal ancestors hunted them to extinction, their predecessors were the size of a large volvo (literally). You really have to see one of these things when angry, just one of our modern ones, just to grasp just how badass a big, hairy, ground-based koala charging you.
Oh yeah, and a few years back, we had this TV guy, kinda like the late Steve Irwin, but not quite as well publicised, who was known for doing much the same shit as Steve, but he never wore any shoes. Ever. He had a show called the Barefoot Bushman, and he'd do retarded shit like talk about how dangerous a snake was while tromping around it barefoot, then eating native plants that he was generally "pretty sure thought they were safe to eat".
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my short badassgraphy on Australia, as it really is an interesting habitat. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a crocodile to wrestle, just for the fuck of it.
The Complete List
About the Author